Sorry

2013 was undoubtably the craziest year of my life.  What I had deemed the "year of fun" turned out to be a year full of the highest highs, but also the lowest of lows I have, and may ever, experience.  It's funny how it takes something so major to make you realize that the little things don't matter, to forget the past, to let go of the grudges you've been holding, to just let the small things just go - like am I really mad that the barista made my drink wrong? Am I really getting upset with my sister over something so insignificant?  In the long run, there's no point in getting worked up, there are so many bigger things to get frustrated and upset about.  I know if I looked back on all the times I took the little things in life too seriously, I would wish I wouldn't have been so stubborn or fought so hard over something that really doesn't matter, and just breathe and be happy.

Happiness is so fascinating isn't it?  It's like a drug - it's so great when you have it, and you want it so badly when you don't.  This year I've tried so hard to stay happy - some days are better than others, and most days I do pretty good, but today in the midst of a perfectly fine day I lost my happiness.  I saw someone who I had hurt in the past, and I just haven't been able to bring myself to say sorry to.  Tonight I found myself void of words, with the most horrible, anxious feeling in my stomach.  I wanted to say sorry, but I just couldn't.  I know I need to but I can't, why can't I just do it?  I saw this person and just quickly turned the other way.  Through this past year I've learned so much about myself, about who I am and who I want to be and I want to dedicate this next year to becoming the person I want to be - the person on the inside that I would like, that does the right things, is thoughtful, someone my Mom would be proud of.  In doing that, I need to say I'm sorry to anyone I have hurt, recently or in the past.  You don't have to accept it, but please know that causing hurt is never my intention.  And to this one person I saw tonight, you know who you are, please accept my sincerest and deepest of apologies - you are a smart, beautiful and kind woman and I am so incredibly sorry for any pain that I may have caused you.  You are a better person than I am, and I am truly, from the bottom of my heart, sorry.  Until I find the words to tell you in person, please take this apology with you - I hope it means something.